Wednesday, 28 April 2010

Bodycon vs Bottomus Prime

I may be kidding myself but I think I am actually feeling lighter, my clothes definitely feel better  - I hope!

The problem is I haven't actually got any weighing scales, a fault which is soon to be rectified on Friday - payday!!!  I love payday, the last two weeks of living like a refugee busker are over.  As soon as I know that my bank account will for a week at least be nice and plump like a well fed piglet - I start perusing the online shops for potential clothing...I have been in debt for so long it will be nice to buy something decent for the weekend...well at least thats what I was planning....

First stop ASOS - Holy Serena Scott!! - a new style of dress is in - it's called a 'bodycon'.  At first I thought they had brought out a new evil transformer but no -  these dresses are more like second skins and could only look decent on pre-pubesants or anorexics...j'accuse!!!   Not only that but the enemy of all rounded normal women is back.... Pastels!!!!

There is only one thing to do (play stirring jerusalem style music), place down those doughnuts, stop masticating those muffins and rise up to beat the Bodycon!!!!!

Saturday, 24 April 2010

Just lay back and don't think of cake....

Ah it's good to be blogging again, have had rather an excellent week on the quest for a more defined silhouette.

So 12 days in and 84 days to go!!!  Normally by now the little diet terrorist in my head is saying - you are feeling better and done so well , you must at least be a size 12 now - go have some wine and cake treat yourself!  Dance and revel with Bacchus and his minions!!! (so dramatic but true!)  then I would wake up in a food and wine induced hangover wondering what happened...but not this time...

I have avoided any binges and done some soul searching.  Do not worry however I won't be lighting some Zen scented candles and listening to pan-pipes anytime soon but it is true that what you eat is directly connected to your emotions.  That's according to my therapist (or 'terrapin' as my phone predictive text it yesterday).  Yes I am having a couple of counselling sessions I have to admit it - nothing serious- I just want to sort a few things out in my head - I think its healthy to do so and also slightly Californian which make me feel a little glamorous.

I had to giggle when my therapist (or Clive as he shall be known) said 'So why are you here?' I wanted to blurt out 'Make me a size 10 please!', but I did ask him about weight and how I could understand my eating habits.  Although this seems very shallow indeed, emotions, the past and our experiences do affect the way we eat - it's not always about when we are hungry or thirsty - if only that was the case - Roseanne would never have been aired for sure.

There was a lot of talk (mainly me acting like the guy in trainspotting on speed) and I even cried once!  I walked out of the sessions feeling lighter.  I definitely had left some emotional baggage in there which felt very good indeed.  Good ol' Clive - you're hired!

I am shallow and vain I admit it and slightly enjoy the fact too.  However there are practical sides to losing weight that unless you've been there you really don't understand.  Yesterday i had an experience which although not uncommon left me feeling less than attractive.....the loose tight fat fight!!!!

The Loose Tights Fat Fight!

Tights losing their elastic to a fat person is like kryptonite to Superman - it saps our strength and dignity. (Ok that and the superman movie about nuclear weapons which whiffed to high heaven). If you have a tummy and rounded thighs, tights - with a good structure are great for smoothing the silhouette - just ask Gok.  They also have a comfort blanket effect on the psyche. Well sometimes....

There I was on my way home on Friday night, heavy coat over arm as twas a lovely summery eve. (I realise I am going all Hans Christian Anderson but keep with me)I had just bought some provisions for dinner with Phil and was walking home when it happened, out of nowhere my tights, which were above my stomach, rolled down under my rounded belly!  Now I felt as if the whole world could see my paunch and not only that but the gusset had decided to droop. I had my hands full of shopping and my coat and shoulder bag.  I suddenly felt like a pregnant buckaroo!

In broad daylight, I did a move as what is commonly known as the shoulder bag swing and hoist!  Ah back to normal - but no! they rolled down again and even lower!  My discomfort was clear and I started walking strangely whilst trying to balance what I was holding and try and find the edge of the rolled tights to hoist again like a net over a baby seal.  I can only imagine that I looked like a combination of Rainman and an extra from Glee.  The sun was hot, damn hot and by the time I arrived home my hair was dishevelled, my skirt had ridden up to my side with the shopping bag and I felt a mess...

If you have ever been overweight you know my pain. Being a decent weight doesn't just mean looking good it's about clothing being easier to wear as well.  This is the reason I am still on the path of righteousness and also buying new tights with kevlar on Monday....

Saturday, 17 April 2010

The Anatomy of a Binge

Forgive me, for I have sinned, it's been 2 days since my last confession....

Up until yesterday my variable diet of vegetables, slimfast, ryvita, cottage cheese and low fat dinners had been going very well.  I had been drinking lots of water too and did not feel deprived but lighter more energetic and rather smug. I even managed to have fajitas but replaced half the chicken with salad and the cheese and sour cream with cottage cheese. Not as fattening but still enjoyable and without the feeling of deprivation.

I reached my first stumbling block yesterday, a bad day at work (made a mistake which i beat myself up about all day) plus PMT and boredom.  It was a lethal combination. I started off cooking some brocolli, mushrooms and rice with some curry powder and seasoning for  a low fat dinner. Sounds rather holy doesn't it?.  But I wasn't done.  I ate a huge portion and still felt the need to eat more, the problem being that there was nothing really left in the house.  Writing this now I realise I wasn't feeding my stomach but trying to eat myself out of  a bad mood.

I put a whole garlic bread in the oven (the only product available with the required wheat and fat ratio) and muched through it in under 5 minutes, it was like being in a trance , a food induced trance.  Was Derren Brown playing a trick on me?  If he was he also made me eat 2 bags of crisps without me realising as well - that man's a genius.

I now realised I have suffered what is commonly known as a 'Binge'.  This has got me thinking that can a binge be predicted scientifically and why does it cause a grandiose almost catholic soul-damning guilt?

I thought I would do some research,.... Dr.Devillenoire is in the house...she's alliiiiiive!!!

The Anatomy of a Binge:

So far we have the catalysts:
Bad Mood
Plus other stress factors that may occur; tiredness, dehydration and loneliness.

Aim: To blindly much through as much food as possible, short term brain elation and distraction.
Method: Hand and mouth shovel movement
Apparatus: anything vaguely edible, mainly carbohydrates
Conclusion: Stuffed bloating feeling, regret.

I searched the web and found countless sites and links, so this is very common.  If I am to win I need to know my enemy and beat it.  This is a good one on bingeing or emotional eating as it is also known, there is some flowery language but the message is savvy:

Today there is a difference however to other 'Binge hangovers' I have had before. I feel positive.

Yesterday was a blimp, er i mean blip on the journey but it's a voyage of self -discovery. The next time i feel the need for a binge I have come up with some defenses - beauty pampering, just going out so not near a fridge, exercsing and if all else fails there's always crack (no calories yet still so morish). Haha!!!

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

Just Dance!!!! Going gaga for the Wii...

I think the best exercise invention for gym haters has to be the wii.  I have in the past been a member of 10 various gyms and and know the drill...

You know what's like , you get all excited about joining the gym, fill out the forms get schmoozed by a sales assistant, pay a joining fee so some desk monkey can press a button and voila! You are a gym member!
You feel proud, optimistic and know that this time you are going to attend all sorts of classes and get as fit as Lara Croft running a marathon.....but that feeling doesn't last long.

After a month you start to wane, get home from work and the gym bag looks at you with longing. Then as the months go by the gym starts to feel like a distant relative you haven't called.  You know you should but just can't bring yourself to do it.  The next thing the direct debit is cancelled and you have to put 'NOT KNOWN AT THIS ADDRESS' to anything that vaguelly looks like a chase letter.  Ah the guilt, the skullduggery and the vicious circle.

But now comes the Wii - hurrah!! something that you can exercise with without the hassle of going out again, sharing changing rooms with strange outdoor types (especially those who walk round naked and proud like they are in a 70's naturist campsite), no more having to put up with the smelly guy next to you on the treadmill.  Freedom!!

I went to my friend Laura's yesterday and we used the Wii game Just Dance to exercise to. It is hilarious and very camp.  My kinda cardio.

After 40 mins we had tried to copy the dance moves to classics such as Cotton Eye Joe (proof that I will do almost anything to lose weight) Womanizer, Eye of the Tiger, Fame and others. This may sound quite easy but each dance does take a lot of energy. Normally I am a flawless dancer but it really is a lot more difficult being sober.

I have to thank Ian and Rees for introducing me to Just Dance and running me through my paces as boy, can those boys move!

I hope to be able to use some of the moves from Just Dance at Phil's Party so watch out if you see me heading towards the dance floor, actually clear a space just in case you get a wiinjury.

I can see the poster now - Deville performing dance moves from Just Dance - Book now!!!

Monday, 12 April 2010

The deadline has been set!!!!

After spending the last two hour trying to work out how to put a countdown clock in my blog - i've finally done!!! Ya-Tah!!!! During these two hours I have managed to delete my blog and had to re-set - all in the name of a countdown.

I feel exhausted my darlings!! (dramatic lurch to the side and arm up to forehead)

But now I have a deadline and a purpose to this blog - 95 days (3 months) til Phil's 30th birthday. 

Anyway back to the deadline, Phil's birthday party is going to be quite an occasion, friends and family coming from all over the place and a venue already hired.  He also has 3 ex-girlfriends coming along.(whom are all very nice btw).

Anyhoo...With all that in mind I  want to be lightly piroeting like a social butterfly through the party and not like the hippos in Fantasia......

Aim: To lose minimum 2 stone by the party and find a stunning outfit.
Time: 95 days starting today

Budget: TBA
Method : meal replacements and calorie counting.
Exercise: Using Just Dance and Wii Sports (thanks Phil for the wii)

Good bye chocolate, good bye crisps, and i think i'm gonna miss you most of all rose wine! (film reference anyone?)

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Like a velour bin, stuffed for the 56th time....

There are times in life when our inner concience pleads with us. 'Don't drink that 5th sambucca shot you have work tommorrow, you fool!', ' you are overweight and wearing high heels to a wedding!!', 'Don't buy those biscuits you'll just eat them all over one evening'.

Unfortunately for me, but hilarious to others; I am one of those who generally ignores that more can't hurt......but I look fab in heels, I can handle an all dayer....I'll just have one biscuit. As you can probably guess it never ends well - horrid hangover - doing the painful shoe walk whilst trying to look happy for people and an empty packet of Happy Shopper ginernuts staring back at me. (less money - less calories? er no fat girl sorry it doesn't work that way)

This blog ultimately is for me just to let some steam loose and also track my weightloss. I have always struggled to lose weight for certain reasons. I sometimes see food as an occupation rather than substinence and also I love to socialise and have the 'odd' sambucca. ('odd' translated in Fatish means as many as a person can handle before hospitalisation)

Of course there is nothing basically wrong with a bit of overindulgence, except when it effects your life in general. In the last four years I have put on 4.5 stone, after iniitally losing 3 stone and reaching the mythical size 10 I has always dreamed of. Now whilst typing this I am wearing a size 18 velour tracksuit and bunny slippers. Not exactly the cute skinny jeans and cute tops from that hallowed and magical year of the size 10. Damn and double damn with a side serving of damn for the weekend!!

Of course the huge toad in the hole I have just scoffed does not make me feel exactly of the Hot water and lemon club - no sugar! See there we go again - food as a hobby - the amount of cooked batter and dead mushed pig i have consumed can now only be burnt off my running a marathon. Quick! fetch me my trainers! Oh hang on 24 is on sky plus in a minute and there's sponge for pudding...

As you can see getting out of my bad habits is going to be a challenge. I will need all the will power possible in my crusade to stop being part woman part marshmallow. So for now whilst I am in self -loathing 'plan' stage (and the treacle sponge is in the oven) I say sofa so good...adipose amigos...


aka Deville